Talk

20May11

I talked to him yesterday. He was polite and friendly, but no interest at all. He just seemed to make fun of me, mostly kindly, but still. I can’t wait to get out of school and not see him again more than probably twice a year.


Exams

17May11

I have 9 exams over the next month or so. It all starts tomorrow – the first written exam. I wish all my exams were written so I did not have to get so nervous. I think it might be healthy, though, for me to focus on school and forget about those things I can’t have. But then I remember how smart he is and I feel like a little silly girl. I have given up on school. I’m not a stupid girl and can be very smart if I just want to be. I have given up on school because it seems to useless to writes papers on papers on papers… Shakespear? What should I ever use the knowlegde of Hamlet? God. Do you ever feel that school is just waisting your time? I can’t wait to graduate in the end of next month and not see him everyday at school anymore.

V


Honestly….

15May11

Honestly I don’t know why I can’t seem to find a little fraction of love? I know I shouldn’t be looking and I am not really, because I am too busy ignoring and being bothered by the guy who doesn’t want me. I don’t understand why single guys don’t like me? My guy friends with girlfriends talk a lot to me about not worrying,.. I am an alright looking girl! I’m not half bad and I am really outgoing, what more should I do? It seems to me that there are no guys out there I want….


positivity?

11May11

Positivity? Where have you gone? I know these last posts have been whine, whine and whine. I am actually believe it or not a rather positive person, everything right now seems to go wrong for me. One of my best friends is mad at me and so disappointed and I can’t really do anything about it. I don’t have the money. I love her, but I can’t save the world. I’m so tired this drains all my energy. All my spirit. I almost cried 3 times at school today because it was just not the same…. Plus I learned I had an exam in the subject I hate the most.. The universe must just loooove me.. Someone please tell me something randomly positive about your day to cheer me up?

V


What?

10May11

I just bailed on a biiiig camping trip with like 100 people from school. It sounds awesome, I know. But I don’t bother these people right now. I hurt my best friend, because she will not go because I won’t. And she has talked about it for 6 months. I just don’t have the money for it when I have to move out. (it’s actually pretty expensive) So I ended up crying all afternoon because I felt so bad hurting her, but we are al right. I know she is disappointed and that is OK, as long as we are still good. I’m so pathetic these days. Of course THAT guy had to comment why I was not going.. Why the hell is that any of his business, since he chose to ignore me? Can’t he just make up his mind, either he wants me or NOT….


Home

09May11

Today I stayed home from school. I just couldn’t bear seeing all those faces even though a lot of them are dear to my heart. I felt dizzy just at the feeling of going to school and people talking about prom. It felt like a heavy stone laying on top of my head just pulling me further down and then I decided not to attend school today, which was a great choice.
I slept and slept – it almost felt like I was depressed, am I slightly depressed? I don’t know. I have never been depressed before, but I have had both family and friends who have had a depression – only I don’t know how one feels? I watched a movie, read 200 pages of a bog, ignored my computer and facebook. School just seems to useless. I graduate this summer and I have 9 exams coming up, I can’t even think about that. I fear exams. Anyway, I just couldn’t go to school today. I don’t feel like going tomorrow either, but I just have to suck it up. I’m done with school soon, hopefully, if I don’t fail everything. I love all my friends, but I am just tired of the same gossip, the same drama and all that stuff, you know? I want to start a new place fresh and with no baggage that anyone know of. Ever wanted to do that?


Hello internet.

08May11

Hi internet,
my name is V and I am a girl at the age of 19, who cannot seem to find the right guy. I know some of you might be thinking 19 – she has a lot of time and maybe I do, but I feel lonely and I want to try not being single for once. Another thing you might be thinking is, she will never find love if she is looking for it, true, but I try not to and I try not to act desperate.

I didn’t pay attention to guys before the age of 16, I guess. Before that I was like it was too early for me to start anything so I just had fun with my girlfriends and it did not bother me that others found love. Then I started at another school. The first year was just all about making new friends so I wasn’t looking for any kind of love there either, but then at the beginning of a new school year I in a drunken night met this perfect guy. We are both drunk, though. We looked at each other and then 10min later we are on the dance floor kissing. Most of the night is then a blur, but I know I only talked to him and did not do anything drastically stupid, luckily. But since that night I was hit. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, but he is shy so we didn’t talk at school. Time passed and nothing happened, but some talks. Then some months later I decided it was ridiculous I still liked him and decided to confront him. We then ended up kissing again, but then he quickly regretted it and told me he wouldn’t start anything with me.. I did not know that night that he just had been flirting and had a thing with another girl, who since then has hated me..

I was embarrassed and felt pathetic. I had just laid out my feelings for the first time and been rejected. I did not mention that he is involved with everything at school and we have several mutual friends so I have to see him EVERY day at school and at all kinds of events. He ignored me a lot didn’t smile or say hello to me in the hallway.
Then time passed and I felt so stupid for having a crush on a guy for so long and just watching him from a distance. Then this December we kissed again. I told him I didn’t want to start anything serious and he said cool. I think I just lied to myself because I wanted him so badly to want me. Then nothing happened again. I have to mention all the times we kissed was down town.. Then we kissed some times down town in January, February and March.. Then he began to ignore me a little again. We went to the same party¬† in April and I kind of ignored him a bit.. I must say I really looked hot that night. So later on that night he comes up to me and he never really complimented me before, but that night he was like really aw you are so hot and so on.. We made out again, but then later that night he IGNORED me again..
You guys probably think why the hell I still liked him and allowed him to keep disappointing me.. I don’t know why, I liked him too much to let him not talk to me.. Then I asked him where this was heading and he said nowhere because he was not ready to start anything. I asked why and he said “well in the past it has not worked out” and then I was like, well, I’m not like the other girls.. and then he was like I see you point, but no. “You don’t know me well enough to say anything against my word” and then he said blah, blah, you can do much better than me and there are plenty of fish in the ocean. I was devastated and mad, and he could tell, but I did not cry. I just bitched about him to my friend and they kind of hit him (not hard) just to say he was a jerk. Then later that night he went to ask one of my best friends how I were.. and as nice as she is, she just said I could ask me.. but he never did because he is such as wuss.
Then weeks pass and I went on vacation. When I came back I find out he has talked about me to some of my friends and when we met he wa all happy to see me. We of course can’t seem to keep out hand for ourselves and kiss again, but then his best friend drags him away makes a scene out of it. After that night, which is about 2-3 weeks ago, we have not really talked. We have talked shortly, but he doesn’t look at me the same.
He looks at me with pity like I am a broken little girl. We had prom last weekend and I looked beautiful, not to sound selfish, which I aren’t, but I looked damn good and sweet. He almost couldn’t say hello, we did not have a conversation of more than 2 minutes that night.
So what should I do now? I’m a bit broken up inside, mostly because I allowed myself to look so stupid, to put my heart out there to like someone so much and get nothing, but kisses in return that only lasted a few night and then he regretted me. He regretted me. He did not want me. Why didn’t he want me? He never gave me an explanation. Maybe he is just not that into me… Maybe I am too fat, maybe I am too stupid?

Will I ever find someone?